Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Trip down memory lane

Every once in a while, I go through old chats, inbox messages, wall-to-walls and whatever else I can get my hands on. This time took me way way waaaaayyyyy back. And I was totally freaked out.
I started off with my Facebook messages. Most of the ones that I looked at were from ex boyfriends. I mean, as flirty and friendly as I am naturally, I am usually devoted in my relationships. I look back today and I still think that they were all special in their own way. Yet, we aren't together today. What really is the point?
Some of the messages were us saying 'I love you' others were us acknowledging that it was over but we still cared. Another was him accusing me of cheating and me defending myself telling him that what we had was special and I would not want the memories messed up.

It felt like I was looking at someone else's life. I felt something, like I missed it somehow. I don't know but it was a confusing feeling and I don't know if I liked it.

I also looked at blog posts from before. They are few but they gave me an idea of how I felt at the time. And that was really my reason for starting this blog; to give me a place to remember and re-feel everything. To give me some kind of closure. I think I diverted from that for a while.
It felt good to go back and take a look though.

Going back to my question of what the point is. I asked that because I'm in a relationship now and it scares me almost to death to think about it ending like the others did. I don't want to get to a point where I'm reading old messages from him and thinking 'what went wrong?' Even though I cant see it now, I know I was probably scared about those ones ending as well. So what will be the difference?

I'll stop here today and hope that I get a revelation soon.